proving worthy by you
by Irrwisch
Summary: Your name is Jack. Nobody can ever take that away from you anymore. A name is star-given, and you will prove right by it. For the first time in your life, you are loved and love in return. It's not something you knew you needed, but now you cannot live without it. And so, you will fight tooth and nail for the star that was given to you in your darkest hour.


Your name is Jack.

And nobody will ever take that away from you.

You are Jack, now and forever.

It didn't use to be that way. They called you "Child", or "Boy", or, most often "Cripple". See, you don't have legs. You don't really know why, but where the others have these legs, you don't have anything. Greg said you'd call the rest of your legs "stumps". Not having legs made everything really difficult. Greg always said it was a miracle the others let you stay. See, it was Greg who found you. He heard a baby cry in a dumpster he said and when he got it out, it didn't have legs. He's said your parents likely threw you away. Anytime anyone mentioned that, something in your gut _really_ hurt. You still don't know why, but you never liked it.

But Greg and the others allowed you to stay. You couldn't really ever help – there was no way anyone would give you even the smallest job. So, they out you out on the street, begging for money. They hoped their Boy without Legs would warrant some sympathy and pity from the good people. But you never got much change. People preferred not looking in your direction at all. You think it must've been you, but Lila said begging wasn't a good way to make money anyway. She looked at you and sighed. She's said you're too young to walk the line, and that you should grow up soon. There'd be people down for a pity-fuck. You didn't know what that was, and somehow, you also didn't want to know, either. You think that maybe Greg was angry at Lila for that.

"They're gonna abandon you soon, y'know", Martin said to you. "People like us always move, y'know? You'd be a nuisance taking along." Martin always smelled funny. Not funny-funny, but funny. You didn't like the smell much, so you tried to stay as far away as possible from Martin. And you also didn't like listening to him. He always said things like that. You don't want to be abandoned. You wouldn't even know where to get food, or even how to get it. You never dared asking Greg about it. You've always been afraid of how he might answer.

Then you woke up one day, and you were alone.

At first you thought they all went out looking for food. You _did_ think it weird that they took all their stuff with them and didn't even wake you up.

But they would be back.

It took you four hours to realise they left you here, alone and abandoned.

You never knew what death was, but as you lay here, you thought you were getting close to it. You got some coins from begging – but you had no way to use it to buy food. Two days ago, you asked someone to buy you a piece of bread – but the guy never returned. You hope nothing happened to him. You couldn't forgive yourself if something happened to him because of you.

You wished you wouldn't be alone. You thought this must be the worst way to die – all alone and forgotten. Somehow you hoped you would die at night, so you could at least look at the stars. Whenever you could see them, you at least didn't feel all so alone. They were your friends and they would miss you and they would notice that you were gone. It was a nice thought and you hoped that it would be among your last ones. You didn't want one of your last thoughts to be of pain and pity and misery and loneliness.

"Come to me", you'd whisper, desperate to be heard. "Please, send a star to me."

It was over now. Everything but your head was dead, you thought. It was dark, and you could see the stars shimmer in the far distance. You were slowly losing them and you hoped that meant it was the end. It was too bad. They never send a star to you. Maybe you weren't worth it. You face felt wet, and it wasn't dreaming.

"Hush", a warm voice said and you looked, because it was different. There was a star, coming to you finally, at the end. It was so wonderful and you could do no less but love it instantly. "You came", your tiny voice said and a hand was placed on your head. "Hush, little one" the star said. You wanted to look at the star, until your forever would run out, but the star's warm hand and soothing voice had you close your eyes.

That was okay.

The stars send someone to you. Now you would never be alone again. You had the star now.

You woke slowly. For the first time in your life, it was warm and soft around you. Up until now, you didn't even know what that meant but now you wondered how you ever managed without them. You wondered: was this after death? You turned and you saw a roof above you. Up until now, you've never seen one from the inside. There were no stars, but that meant there could be no rain in here either. That was nice. Maybe it wouldn't even be cold.

You jumped with a start. The star! Where did it go? It had been here! You looked around frantically. You couldn't lose it. It was your star, send to you from the heavens! You started to shake. How were you supposed to find it? You couldn't walk. You wanted to cry. Finally, it came to you, and you managed to lose it immediately!

"Hush", a warm voice said and you cried. There it was, there it was, and you didn't lose it! You reached out your arms, you needed to touch it, hold it close, so it would stay with you –

It sat down and picked you up and you cried out of breath and it held you close. You pressed your head into its chest and you could hear a steady heart-beat. It was real, it was real, and it was here with you. The warm hand returned onto your head. "Hush, little one." You were shaking badly and you were embarrassed, but the star didn't seem to mind. It held you close and rubbed your back until you calmed down. "Is it better now?" The voice was so nice. It sounded so different than Martin or even Greg. You nodded and lifted your head. You wanted to see the star's face. You hadn't had the chance to do that yet. You wondered what stars would look like. Would you even be able to look at it? You hoped so. It was your star, and you hoped you could look at it.

You grabbed the star's shirt tight. It was a man, and he was beautiful. All stars must look like this. There was a light behind his eyes, and it almost blinded you. Shaking, you reached up a hand to touch his face. You hoped you could. He didn't budge, and you touched his cheek. He was warm and soft to the touch, and he didn't flinch away. The hand on your back remained warm and steady. You were laid bare before his blue eyes and you wanted to keep your star forever. You quickly pressed your face back into his chest.

"What's your name, little one?" That sounded nice. _Little one_. It sounded better than your other names. So you didn't know what to tell him. You didn't want to disappoint him. "What's yours?" you asked instead and hoped you didn't upset the star. "My name is Castiel", he replied and you thought of course, and what other name could a star have? But now, what did you tell him? "I, I don't have a name", you mumbled into his chest and hoped it wouldn't upset him. You felt the star move, but you were allowed to stay in his arms. "I see", he simply said. "Do you want me to give you one?" You tore your face away from him and stared up at him in disbelief. A star, offering a name to _you_? You could only nod, because this was the greatest honour of them all. Castiel smiled and brushed over your hair and oh, how good that felt.

"Hello, Jack."

It's how you got your name. It's the greatest treasure that you have and you'll make sure that no one ever takes it away from you. A star gave a name to you, so that makes you half a star, you'd wager. Castiel took you to a homeless shelter, where they helped fix you back up. You were saddened to learn that you couldn't stay here. But Castiel said he didn't want to stay, so you would go with him – naturally. He said you could stay here, that they would help you finding a family and having a good life, but you didn't understand. What life would you ever want to lead that didn't have your star in it? So you demanded to go with, and Castiel agreed. He hadn't seemed happy about it, but he had agreed.

"I don't have legs", you admitted sheepishly. You were good at crawling, but it started to hurt quickly after a while. Castiel looked at you and laughed. "Oh, I know, little one", you keened at hearing that – you now had _two_ star-given names! "I _did_ carry you here in the first place; I will keep carrying you." He was sitting on the bed in front of you, so you really shouldn't, but – you jumped forwards. You just wanted to jump into his arms. But the distance was too great and you fell to the ground. "Oh gods, Jack, are you okay?" He picked you up and held you close, worrying over your face. You loved this warm feeling. "Yes", you smiled. "Nothing's ever been better."

Meeting you star was three weeks ago, now. Just as he promised, Castiel is truly carrying you everywhere. Of course, occasionally he needs to leave you somewhere, and in the first week you were extremely frightened he might not come back – that you had truly dreamt all of this, that he never existed at all and that you were still dying back in the old alleyway.

He comes back every time. And he always smiles when he sees you.

You are always so eager to touch him, to be as close as possible to him – he never mentioned it, so you hope it's not too bad. You had noticed that he is limping a bit, and you had wanted to ask about it, but you feared you might anger him with it. You could never forget how easy it would be for him to abandon you like Greg and the others did. So you figured that he must've hurt himself when he fell to come to you. You hope he's not mad at you for it.

You always get to sleep in his arms, and you love it. He's warm under your head, his beating heart is soothing, and there is a blanket of stars above you. "Can you tell me of the stars?" you ask one time, because you love them so much and you're so grateful to them that they gave you Castiel. He shrugs and tells you a little about the stars every time before you fall asleep. You can't remember how you ever fell asleep any other way – without his warmth and without his voice in your heart. Castiel is the greatest gift you ever got and you should feel a bit ashamed that you keep him all to yourself. But – he came to you, he's your star and you don't want to ever give him away.

You're walking down the street, and you don't mind all the looks you're getting. They're jealous, you think. You have your own star, after all. You tighten your grip around his neck and shiver a little. It's getting colder these days. You really need to find more blankets, or some jackets. Castiel is warm, and mostly that's enough, but you're pretty sure that you don't produce enough warmth for him. You don't want your star to grow cold.

He takes you to his work from time to time. He's said he doesn't like leaving you alone, but that he can't take you with him on some jobs. It's okay, you tell him. You know he always comes back. Currently, he's covering for a pregnant co-worker in a supermarket. You asked him what pregnant is and he said that's when a woman is going to have a baby. Huh. Greg found you as a baby. So a woman had been pregnant because of you? You idly wonder if stars are pregnant too. Do stars have babies? Maybe a baby a star had was Castiel.

In this job, his boss allowed him to carry you on his back. (You asked what a boss was, and Castiel said that's the guy who pays him money. You should be a boss too, you think. That would mean you just have money, right? You wonder why Castiel isn't just a boss himself. Then they wouldn't have to worry, right?) The customers – the ones that spend money here to get stuff – often comment about Castiel and you. It's usually women and they coo at you. It's a new word you heard from a female co-worker. It means they think you're cute. Castiel usually blushes when a woman comments on them. You rather like it. They call Castiel your father and it's such a warm feeling in your belly.

Sometimes, someone named Dallas carries you. Dallas is a place, isn't it? Maybe Dallas is from Dallas. You can't even tell if Dallas is a girl. It doesn't matter, you think. "Where's your mom?" Dallas asks one time and you think hard. Mom... is that a pregnant woman? "I don't have a mom", you say, because you know that's at least true. "Oh, I'm sorry. Did she die?" You shake your head, even though you know that Dallas can't really see that. Does Castiel have a mom? Maybe she could be your mom too. Or is his mom with the stars in heaven? Maybe you should ask. "But your daddy really loves you. That's nice, isn't it?" You lift your head. Your daddy?

Castiel, Dallas is talking about Castiel – and you want that. You never wanted anything more in your life than for Castiel to be your father. Your own star, coming from the sky for you – you want it to be your father. "Yes", you say breathless, "he loves me so much." You're grabbing Dallas' shoulders tight and you don't care about the slight protests.

It takes too long for Castiel to come back (realistically, it was just about three to five minutes), and as soon as you spot him, you reach for him. Dallas huffs and gets up to walk over to Castiel. "Someone was missing you", but you don't even listen. Castiel takes you in his arms and you instantly grab hold of his neck.

Dad. Dad. Dad. Papa. Father. Dad. Dad.

All of these words and all of them needed to be for Castiel.

"You were very clingy today, Jack", Castiel chastises you after the work is done. He doesn't mention how tight you're holding on now. You love him. Of course, you've known that before, but it was different now. Before, he was just a star that came to you in your time of need, but now he's a father. He's your dad, and you love him so much. You can't think of a world without him anymore, and you don't think you could survive in such a world anymore anyway. You need him, not just for staying alive – that is all secondary – but for _living_.

You sit up in his arms, so that you're at face-level with him. He looks a bit worn, a bit tired, but he still shines so bright and you wonder how he does that. He's brighter than the sun, and he's so kind and gentle and – "I love you, Castiel", you blurt out, because it's the truth and you _have_ to say it.

He looks at you, and he seems stunned, but you stay stead-fast. You love him, and he's your father, no matter what will happen in the future. But then he smiles and presses a kiss to your forehead and you feel alive for the first time in forever. "I love you too, Jack. I love you so very, very much."

You're scared. You're really, really scared. Castiel has fallen sick a while ago, but he always said it would be alright. But now it got worse and you don't know what to do. You can't even go and look for help! He's burning up and you think it must be your fault. Castiel told you weeks ago that things burn up when they enter the earth's atmosphere (although you don't really know what an atmosphere even is), so you think it must be your fault he's burning up 'cause he's a star and you made him come to you. You don't know what to do. You can't lose him, and you're so hungry. You've been calling him "Dad" ever since he got really sick, and he hasn't mentioned it – either he didn't notice, or he didn't mind. You secretly hope that he just doesn't mind. If he's your real dad, then maybe he can take you with him. You can't live without him anymore.

He still tries to soothe you. Every time you cry, he brushes your hair out of your face. He even tries to tell you more of the stars, but he keeps losing track of what he's just said. You weep into his shoulder and you need more stars to come and save you. "I love you", you whisper and you know it won't be long now.

Just then, you hear someone approach. They're going to take Castiel away. You're sure of it. You grab a nearby stick, ready to fend anyone and anything off. "Go away!" you yell, hoping to just make them turn around. They don't, so you hold your stick higher. Two men come into view, and Castiel tightens his arm around you. "Look, Jack", he says. "There a stars in the sky today." He closes his eyes then and you throw your stick away, turning to him. "Castiel", you whimper. "Wake up, _please_." You hear one of the men approach. "Hey, kid", he says. "Go away!" you yell again. What if they take you away and you _have_ to live on without him? "Please, I just wanna feel his pulse." You start shivering, but there's nothing you can do to stop him. The man bends down and gingerly takes Castiel's hand in his own. "He's still alive. Sam, come and help me!" The other man with the longer hair moves in and you scream. They're taking him away! "No!" It's shriller than you thought it would be. "Don't take him away from me!" The Long-Hair or Sam apparently, smiles. "Don't worry, you're coming too. But if we don't take Cas with us, he's not going to make it, okay?" You fist Castiel's shirt, desperate trying to hold him. "You save him", you say. It's not a question, but it's not a statement either. It is simply what it is. Sam nods and you have little choice but to trust him. Sam picks you up, and the first guy carries Castiel bridal style. He looks really worried. You think they truly want to save him. Still, you need to be wary. That's your star, after all, and you're responsible for it. It's your dad, too.

They move to a black car standing on the street. Sam puts you on the front seat – "You really need to hold on, okay?" – while Guy Number One and Castiel go into the backseat. He then puts two fingers under Castiel's jaw – he says it's to keep checking his pulse. That guy almost looks as worried as you feel. They called him "Cas" before. Maybe they knew him from before, ahead of him becoming your star. Maybe he was important to them, too? Greg said that everyone on the streets had a story; had a past.

When Sam started the car, you did hold on tight, just as instructed. You desperately listen for the ragged breaths Castiel is taking.

You've seen this building before. Castiel said it was called a hospital. He's said that that's where sick and hurt people go. He's also said it's rather expensive. However, you're not worrying about that now. All that matters is getting your star better. Guy Number One – apparently called Dean – gets Castiel out of the car (with the help of Sam), before Sam picks you up. Dean hurries forward and you urge Sam to go faster. Just why don't you have legs? You could've saved Castiel all by yourself if you only had your stupid legs with you. The people inside hurry around Dean and take Castiel from him and then they start to take him away. You scream and wiggle out of Sam's arms, falling on the ground. "Papa!" you scream. They can't take him away. You can't lose him! They don't stop, however, and you try to crawl faster, but Sam picks you up again. "No!" you scream and you don't care how loud you are. "Don't let them take him! Please! Castiel! _Please_!" Sam holds you tighter, perhaps even trying to comfort you, but what do you care? All you need is taken away, and Sam isn't even a substitute. You start to cry and you fight against Sam's hold. Castiel is gone. He's gone and you're still here.

You're sitting on chairs now. Dean is agitated, and can't sit still. Sam is still holding you and you've given up trying to fight him. What's the point? Any time you would wiggle free, he'd just pick you up again. Maybe he even thinks he's comforting you, because he keeps caressing your head. He's stupid. You don't feel comforted at all. All that could comfort you is gone.

"It's taking too long", Dean says. "Calm down, Dean. Just sit down. Things are not going to be over quicker just because you running the ground down." You think that Sam is the voice of reason in this pairing. Castiel said that the voice of reason is driven by logic rather than emotions. You asked if they couldn't feel anything at all and Castiel laughed. They feel a great deal, he said. They just give logic precedence. It might be true, you think. Despite his words, you can feel Sam shivering slightly, as if he's afraid.

Sam tried to talk to you, but he gave up when he realised that you wouldn't ever answer him. "Castiel is our friend", he says. "But he ran away from us about two years ago, and we were really worried." Castiel said he'd done something bad, and that's why he could never stay anywhere. You hadn't asked and you don't believe Castiel could ever do something bad, but you've never said anything. "We've been looking for him the entire time. Dean got sick with worry multiple times." You noticed earlier that Dean seems to move with just a little more effort with Sam, as if he was hurting; or not quite used to his body. You're not responding though. You're getting tired, and it's hard fighting sleep. You can't fall asleep here though. What if something happens to Castiel? You need to protect him. But it's getting harder and harder and before you know it, you've sunken into sleep.

The next time you wake, it's soft and warm around you. You're incredibly comfortable, and you love it. You borrow deeper into the warmth. The only thing annoying you is a steady beating off to your left. You wish it would stop. You've never heard a beeping like that before. Then, with a flash, you remember. You bolt upright and look around. It's not the same room as before. Where are Sam and Dean? No, most importantly, where is Castiel?

You look down, and your breath stops for a moment. There he is, and he's breathing, and he's here, _he's here_... With a cry, you borrow into his shoulder and you start to cry. You don't care where Sam and Dean are now. You don't need them. You wish Castiel would wake up and pick you up and you could go back.

He doesn't wake up, of course. "Papa", you sniffle. "I love you so, so much. Don't ever, ever leave me, okay?" You sound smaller than you are, but you don't care. Castiel turns his head in your direction and that's more than enough.

You grab his shirt tight. He came to you from the heavens when you needed him most.

Now, now you're gonna prove yourself worthy by him.


End file.
